The Secret Within: Chapter 8, A Recipe For A Happy Life

The Secret Within is a book I’m writing about the art of finding happiness and peace amidst personal difficulties. 

This is the eighth installment. Previous installments can be found here.

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8: A Recipe For a Happy Life.

I hate following recipes. Following recipes requires discipline, which takes the joy out of cooking. The best cooks I know always follow recipes. You would think I’d learn!

Most people aren’t fond of discipline. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “Control gained by enforcing obedience or order.” That sounds like retributive justice. But here’s the hard truth: A happy life requires discipline. If you’re skeptical, test the theory on people you know. 

Discipline is an exercise in delayed gratification, a sacrifice many of us fail to make.

Here’s a personal example: 

I hate following instructions when “some assembly is required.” Nine times out of ten, I glance at the instructions, set them aside, then jump right in. You’ve already guessed the result. Nine times out of ten, I have to disassemble the damn thing and start all over. 

Pay me now, or pay me later. It’s that simple!

When it comes to living a happy life, I take recipes seriously. Years ago, I developed one that I’m mindful of following. It requires discipline, but the good news is there are only four ingredients. 

Recipe For A Happy Life

Step 1. Routine

A happy life requires a strong Body, Mind, and Spirit. That means setting up daily routines to:

-Work up a sweat.

-Expose the mind to new learning. 

-Energize the Soul. 

It’s not very complicated, but following routines requires discipline! 

After the birth of our disabled son, I found myself in a difficult place. A high-stress executive job, family responsibilities, and our son’s reoccurring medical trauma left little time for elective activities. To survive, I narrowed my focus to the things that had to be done, failing to understand that life is like a bank account. We go bankrupt if we make too many withdrawals without regular deposits. And sure enough, I was going emotionally bankrupt. 

My only free time for establishing body, mind, and Spirit routines was before dawn. I hated getting up early. Making the decision to do that and then mustering the discipline to stick with it was a bitch. Ultimately, however, those routines restored my emotional well-being and brought happiness to my life. I’ve continued them for decades. 

Step 2. Acceptance

Change is a fundamental feature of life. Some changes we like, and others we don’t. Tremendous energy is devoted to producing changes we want and avoiding changes we don’t. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not enough. 

Go ahead and work toward the changes you desire, but devote equal energy to accepting the changes you have no control over. Railing against unwanted change consumes enormous emotional energy. Acceptance conserves that energy, but it isn’t easy and requires discipline. I’ve been working on acceptance a lot lately; it’s difficult but beneficial.

Step 3. Kindness

Kindness sounds like a good idea until we attempt to practice it. Being kind to puppies and small children is easy, but being kind to adults is often another matter. 

Kindness is inconvenient, mainly because it requires a shift in focus from ourselves to others.  It’s hard to be kind to people who are inconsiderate or who hold strong opposing viewpoints. That’s why most of us prefer to be selective in extending kindness. But in doing so, we miss the point!

Extending kindness is therapeutic. We are invariably happier when attention is shifted away from ourselves, which kindness requires. Small, seemingly inconsequential kindnesses are often remembered for a lifetime. The benefits of extending kindness always come back to us.

Step 4. Holding Hands

Separation is the foundation for most emotional pain. Seeing ourselves as separate creates loneliness and invites conflict. Finding a way to hold hands shifts our attention away from what separates us to what unites us. 

Life is a grand ecology. Everything is connected. Failure to see connections causes isolation, which destroys happiness. When we look for connections, we are less likely to exhibit destructive behaviors that make us unhappy. 

Finding commonalities rather than accentuating differences enriches our lives. 

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Nothing in the above recipe is new. All the necessary ingredients are at our disposal. Discipline and practice are the keys to successful implementation. I won’t ever master this recipe, but I can testify to the benefits of following it.

Here’s a summary card for future reference:

Building A Happy Life

Step 1: Build daily routines to Strengthen body, mind, and spirit.

Step 2: Fully accept the things you have no control over.

Step 3: Be kind whenever possible. (It is always possible) 

Step 4: Find ways to hold hands with life. 

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Installments of The Secret Within can be found here. 

Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically. 

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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization supporting mindfulness training in high schools.